Step 10 in the AA 12 step program is: “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”
Many of we humans forget that the simple fact that we are human meaning, of course, that doing an extended retreat, working the 12 steps, immersing ourselves in a residential treat or recovery program for 90 days or even a year, does not morph us into saintly creatures who are always like one of those sickingly sweet, overly cheerful wait persons (not in New York City) who, even as a pacifist one wants to slap at 6:00 a.m. Neither are we morphed into the Mother Theresa, which we have conjured up in our heads who is always kind, always forgiving, always lovingly welcoming no matter how others are behaving. No. We are still human and we are still going to have fears, resentments, and lapses in judgments, angry moments, inconsiderate moments and we will be forgetful. We are still going to try to control other people, places or things or turn over control to other people so that we can blame them. We are still going to be tempted to keep secrets. We will regularly send the God of our understanding on vacation. We will still find “reasons” why we do not need to make amends. We will judge and be judged. In other words life will still show up and we will respond as the imperfect humans that we are.
So what is the point of doing the 12 steps if our behavior is still going to fall so short of perfection? The point is that we now can face and deal with our humanness on a daily or even hourly basis. We need not build up issues so that it takes another extensive workshop and hours to face them and do the next right thing. To be sure, as we continue to grow, we will discover new levels of honestly and willingness to identify and process past issues. We may “find’ issues we completely “missed” when we initially worked the 12 steps. No big deal. We do not need to run back to unhealthy behavior to avoid dealing with these new or newly revealed human character traits and behavior. All we need to do is to simply notice them and then whip out the 12 steps, often our handy notebook or computer and get to work. If needed, we can ask for guidance. Sometimes our spiritual guide, teacher or sponsor will point out some pattern and recommend that we pray, do some writing or work a step.
If we read the comments and recommendations about this step on aa.org we will find these wise words as well as many others:
“Although all inventories are alike in principle, the time factor does distinguish one from another. There’s the spot- check inventory, taken at any time of the day, whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up. There’s the one we take at day’s end, when we review the happenings of the hours which have just past. Here we cast up a balance sheet, crediting ourselves with things well done, and chalking up debits where due. Then there are those occasions when alone, or in the company of our sponsor or spiritual adviser, we make a careful review of our progress since the last time. Many A.A.’s go in for annual or semiannual housecleanings. Many of us also like the experience of an occasional retreat from the outside world where we can quiet down for an undisturbed day or so of self-overhaul and meditation.”
With time, all of us who are working a daily spiritual growth/recovery program will learn to identify the symptoms of our humanness which, if left unattended will grow into these huge tumors of “dis ease” leaving us vulnerable to the use of old unhealthy tools of survival. Some example of these symptoms might be:
· Chronic tiredness which is not explained by a medical condition such as a thyroid dysfunction, anemia, or some other conditions.
· Chronic grumpiness which festers and grows into anger.
· Self righteousness – “I would be fine if all these other idiots or low life people would just die or get it together.
· A spouse or partner who suddenly does everything wrong.
· Being chronically angry at self, family members, students, teachers, service people, God …
· Blaming others rather than examining our expectations.
· Keeping secrets.
· Feeling shameful.
· Chronic medical issues whose cause is frequently stress or which are aggravated by stress.
· Stress – experiencing life as stressful.
· Serious thoughts of hiring a hit person!
· Cravings for addicted behavior.
· Convincing ourselves that we can safely engage in unhealthy and/or addictive behavior.
· Veg’ing out in front of the television or playing computer games for hours and then complaining that one is too busy.
· Sleeping for 12 or 14 hours a day when one is not physically sick – sleeping to escape.
· Poor appetite or eating everything in sight – unexpected weight gain or loss of more than a few pounds.
· Withdrawal – pushing away support.
· I have sudden delusions of being a Shakespeare actor – I am the king or queen of drama!!
There are others, which are common to many of us. The point is that if we are paying attention we will “know” when we are getting off centered emotionally and spiritually or when our body is telling us that something else is wrong. Once I have ruled out the need to see the medical doctor or have seen the medical doctor who assures me that all is well as far as he/she can determine, it is time for me to get honest and self diagnose or get someone to help me diagnose the problem and what I need to do about it.
I can occasionally be up thirty minutes without having to look at step 1. In my life there is always something happening which reminds me I have no control – that I am powerless. My habit is to get up, turn on the computer and the coffee machine, shave, dress, make the bed, get a cup of coffee, take medication and then do email for an hour before heading to the gym to work out for 1 ½ hours. Now, I have been doing this schedule for a long time. Surely the God of my understanding has noticed this pattern and will make sure nothing interferes with my routine. After all, they are all basically healthy, good things to do (perhaps not the coffee). Not only that the Internet provider “SHOULD” know that at 5:25 a.m. I “need” to use the computer. I am, after all, the center of the universe! I do not ask for much. One gets the idea. The Internet provider is not the problem. The computer is not the problem. God is not the problem. The problem is that I am powerless over other people, places and I do not like it. I could benefit from focusing on a step one!!!
Sometimes an old issue or internal message gets triggered for me. One of the most frequent issues for me is making a mistake which hurts someone else or is hurtful to someone, making a silly mistake because I am in a hurt, someone telling me that I am a terrible person or even worse someone saying that they will not talk to me. Any of these events can trigger an old, internalized belief that I am worthless, dumb, stupid, a terrible friend, father, lover, son, worker, professional or sibling. I can quickly go from feeling good about my spiritual growth and myself to feelings that I should probably commit suicide! The good news is that when that happens I know that an old lie stored in my internal file cabinet has been triggered. I know I need to do a step 4 and 5. Basically I am doing a step 4 and 5 to myself but I often find it helpful to share this with another person who can cry and probably laugh with me.
The evening is another good time for me to read, write, talk to trusted friends, and pray to the God of my understanding. There are evenings when there is a solid block of time and readily available energy. There are other times when it seems as if I do not have a free moment. Even if I am a little later getting to bed I find that I rest better if I take some time to review the day and to do whatever step work I need to do. I now know that if I go to bed with unfinished business I am not going to rest well and will likely accumulate more garbage tomorrow when I am tired.
One of my personal habits is to keep the television out of my living room and bedroom. Unlike my son who can read or write and have the television on I cannot do this. He grew up with a television. I did not. I access information better reading then listening. Some people learn better when listening. I also am a writer. Writing often gives me the distance I need to “hear” myself. I know I am a “slow” thinker. Thus I do better communicating in person or in writing than I do on the phone. There are times, however, when I do well using the phone. My point is that there is not a right or wrong way to get this job done. I just know that I need to take time at least daily to do a personal inventory and then take whatever action I need to take.
Written September 15, 2015
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